Carry Me by Kathleen Carnali
This portrait cries out to me.It just shatters my heart! My heart wants to come right out of chest, in all it’s broken pieces! . It’s more than about this precious child of God. It’s about me. May I gently, suggest, it’s about you too?
We were on family vacation in Ixtapa, Mexico in a resort. I was sitting nursing Kathleen, while we were waiting for dinner. Megan was 4 years old. Bucky stepped around a large white column and she was gone. Every parent’s worst nightmare. Lost in another country! It was rapidly getting dark. Water everywhere: ponds, pools and the ocean. I was beyond terror. They closed the whole resort down and assured us they would find Megan. They called all personel into the search. Bucky went off to find her, and Hope and Ashlyn went as a pair heading back to the hotel room. I stood alone, holding Kathleen, 6 months old, screaming Megan’s name. It was all I could do. Megan was learning to swim but not competent. Every moment was like a day of darkness. I could not breathe. One mom came to me and said, “I will stay with you until she is found.” Hope and Ashlyn returned, no Megan. Bucky returned, no Megan. I don’t know how long time was. . .I was in some kind of holding pattern that would not allow time to tick. The darker it got, the higher my terror rose. I could not stand the idea of her being lost in the darkness afraid. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. Within 10 minutes we saw our neighbors walking to dinner with Megan. Air, filled my lungs and my knees went weak with relief. Megan, at 4 years old had turned the column and not seeing us headed back to the hotel room. We are talking a 20 minute walk, through twisted, complicated paths with many turns. We had no idea how she even found her way back. Our neighbor family found her sitting at our locked door and she looked up and simply with complete calmness, said, “My family is lost.” And so our Megan was found. Needless to say, Bucky and I could not eat dinner. We just kept looking at each other and at Megan with relief that has no words, but only a presence that attempts to take hold again.
As “adults,” We are pretty good at the part. Acting out the found? What do you think? Aren’t all of us lost at different times in our lives? And there might be an element of “shame” because as adults we are “suppose” to have our sense of direction. We don’t get “lost?” Right? Wrong!
This is so not about me, it’s about freedom in His arms to be in the lost and found. Yes, every day, my heart weaves in and out of a lost terror and a found comfort. It just is what it is. . .I don’t believe this is about maturity. I hope not? It’s about authentic honesty in our humanity. Murphy Toerner, “It normalizes our humanity” to be honest in safe places. My blog is a safe place for us.
Lost? It’s a frictional place because, you look around hoping no one will notice you are “lost” and at the same time hoping, beyond hope, someone will find you. Now that is misery, right? Ugh! I get lost within myself. Let’s be honest, I crawl up into the lap of Jesus and I still feel lost. It’s not about my Jesus, it is freedom to be where I am, and who I am with Him. I know, that I know, that I know (another Murphy Toerner) that “found” is coming. It may not be in that moment, on that day, but He is coming within to move me from the lost pile to the found. . .
Lost cries through the bleak abyss hearing only it’s own echo circling back to bounce off the walls of it’s solitary confinement. Found comes softly, not to startle the isolated senses, with an embrace that reaches beyond arms’ boundaries into external holdings that anchor the wavering heart.
In the waiting, accept the lost feeling of our humanness (support and give unconditional love) and expect the joy of being found in our Lord. “Found” is where you and I belong. Found is the destination of our desires. Found is His will for each and every one of us.
Parable of the Lost Sheep: Luke 15
Welcome Readers in Serbia and Mali. Hope you are blessed and encouraged 🙂