Broken-Hearted?

https://twelofson.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/08-nearer-my-god-to-thee.m4a

 

Collage made from Pinterest.com

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I have often found God to be silent, in those moments when my heart is shattering at my feet. My heart, as with most of us, has been broken in all the venues of my life: marriage (I still can’t communicate my intent)}, parenting (Laying in a hospital bed, holding my newborn baby girl and they say, “We’re gonna call in the neonatal cardiologist to check out this little heart thing we noticed in her.”), ministry (Numbers much smaller than expected. . . what did I do wrong???), Friendship (I walked out on her and humbled up for forgiveness. Ooch).

Where are you/were you, God when I need/needed you the most?

“Have you ever had someone who knows you well and loves you the more for it, sit close to you and hold your hand? Were words necessary for the moment to fill with goodness? Then why do you want me talking to you every moment of your day and night? Is not my ever lovingkindness enough in your breathing space?”  God nudged these questions toward me to affirm His presence.

Silence is often the most intimate of the love languages I speak to you, my beloved.”The Lord whispered in my ear.

No words necessary. He is near.

Roads That Cross: Anxiety x Peace

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I can relate to Charlie Brown in this cartoon. I am a messy mix of anxiety and peace. The road map of these two roads, in my heart, is more than one neat intersection. It’s a tangled twist of peace/anxiety that would make the MacAuthur Maze 800px-MacArthur_Mazelook like a straight shot country back road. This is going to shock some of you that know me, but I’ll move forward anyway. I had my first panic attack in college. They lasted, off and on, for almost a year and then went away. I should have sought out help, but sadly 😦 I did not. They did not come back (that I know of) until we had health issues with one of our babies. (She turned out to be fine.) They went away again for a while until bandaids and a kiss did not make my daughters hurts all better. Then, another respite from the heart-thumping, sick nausea of spinning out of control until my health issues started bearing down hard.

In between seasons of anxiety and in places I should have experienced great anxiety, I would be immersed in seasons of great contentment and peace. I’d think to myself, I’ve finally found “the right drinking water,” Paul’s secret to be content in all circumstances. Philippians 4:12 New International Version I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I’ve had people comment how calm and collected I seem all the time. I’m not pretending. I live there often when I can keep God right in front of me: a graduating daughter, a first date or a new driver driving my precious girls to school, traveling out of the country with someone else’s child, a home renovation while living here, sharing a personal testimony to a large group of women, walking through Russia on legs that felt like rubber, natural Lamaze childbirth, etc. etc. etc. None of those life crazies triggered one. . .I felt at peace and fully supported in His arms. Even when the symptoms of ALS started and I knew something was very wrong, I remained caccooned. Until. . .

The doctor appointment’s began. Diagnosis loomed over me. I’ll find myself in another one, like being hit on the bullseye in a dunking booth, and down I’ll splash into another freezing attack. I don’t have any answers here. Oh. how I wish I did, for your sake and mine!!! Then, even in the thick of this progressive paralysis, peace will settle in a stay for a while: I’ll be immersed in prayer for another, lost in a creative venture (thank you T and Gaye), the busy dynamics of my girl’s diverse personalities together: entraces me in their energy, Bucky feeds me soup and the hunger abates. Peace lasts but a while. Then I need a new bed or a discussion about my need for a feeding tube ensues or it starts getting dark at the end of a hard day: and here I go again into some endless variation of panic. I am just here in the mess and mystery with you. I am getting medical help with this part of my journey. I’m doing everything I know to maximize my relationships with family. Just getting a good night’s sleep is a little miracle. I don’t think we “arrive” here on this earth. Peace waxes and wanes likened to the cycles of the moon in the darkness of night. It seems so thus far for me. Maybe you know something I don’t. Please share your secret with us!

When it comes to anxiety x peace: Do not walk anxiety issues alone. There are ways to help you cope and to control the symptoms.

Pursue:

  • Bible Studies
  • Prayer
  • Discuss/memorize His Word
  • Listen to Worship Music: Pachebel’s Cannon in D
  • Process Feelings but Focus on The Truth
  • Learn From Those A Step Ahead on their journey
  • Awareness of what triggers an attack
  • Profession Guidance: Counseling/Physician’s Check Up
  • Self-Comfort: a warm bath, a good night’s sleep, healthy foods, fresh air, a warmed blanket, etc.

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

1 Peter 5:7 ESV

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Isaiah 35:4 ESV

Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

John 14:27 ESV

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

Proverbs 12:25 ESV

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Proverbs 12:25 ESV

Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Matthew 6:34 ESV

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Romans 15:13 ESV

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Psalm 94:19 ESV

When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

Isaiah 26:3 ESV

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Psalm 121:1-2 ESV

A Song of Ascents. I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Isaiah 43:2-5 ESV

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you.

Image found: miriadna.com

Image found: miriadna.com

“I will gather you.” Thank you God, as I am scattered, you gather me up in your arms. Amen

That’s A Wrap!

Amen. Thank you, Lessons By Heart
Press toward the goal of our prize in Christ.
With my love of good solid films I enjoyed the analogy 🙂 twe

Lessons by Heart

Yesterday’s a done deal. The actors left the set, the lights are off, the crew went home. The film is “in the can.”

In life, unlike the movie industry, we don’t get to edit the film. We can’t do a retake. It’s done.

All we have is today.

If you didn’t like how the scene went yesterday, study it. What went wrong? Is there a chance that there will be a scene like it in the future? What could be done differently?

We can spend today beating ourselves to a pulp for yesterday’s performance, or screaming at the cast for not getting their parts right.

It won’t change a thing.

Zero

Zip

Zilch

Nada!

It can’t be undone. The words taken back, the actions erased. They are what they are. There will be no opportunity to shoot the scene again.

Today is tomorrow’s history.

If you want a better history…

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Prayer for January 27th

Dear Readers. . . I feel a strong nudge to reblog this prayer, Debbie’s words, from:

This great Blog to be our Monday Manna Moment. IF you wonder how I personally respond to the message on healing? I still struggle with it. So does my husband, Bucky. But I do choose to believe that: GOD DEFINES purpose and healing in my life. I need only let God be God. (Which is a huge challenge some days. Who am I kidding? Most days! I’m walking uphill, slipping on the snow and ice, and out of breath at this altitude and effort, but I’m praying for those I love every baby step of the way.) Love to each one of you. May this “Manna” speak boldly to you!!! twe

Hope For The Broken Hearted

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Hello, Friends! Here is the prayer for today…

 

Dear Heavenly Father,

We are grateful to have this chance to pray once again. Prayer is so important. You tell us to pray without ceasing. We know that prayer, praise and worship, bring us into your presence… and that is where we want to be, Lord. We ask today, that you would speak to us. We ask Lord, for your guidance…for your wisdom and for your discernment. We seek to know your will and direction for every area of our lives. We ask Lord, for the motivation, determination, the drive and the perseverance that’s necessary to reach our goals in our spiritual walks, for our healing, for our financial situations and in our relationships.

Lord, it’s not enough to just pray…we need to take steps of faith to get where we need to be in our lives as well. What…

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Go Dogs Go!

As I Ponder Life and this precious/funny video:

There are at least three things I seriously under-estimated the life-giving power of:

1. Humor: I took myself far too seriously. I wish I had laughed more when I could laugh.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 ESV

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

2. Quiet Patience: Communicates love in a way nothing else can.  Bucky or one of my girls spoon feeding me ice cubes (my new obsession). I wish I had more quiet patience when I was rushing myself and those around me.

Ephesians 4:2 ESV

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

3. Faithful is the family fury friend: Mollie curled up on my sleeping legs. Bella’s bark hello right at me. Ollie’s puppy antics: he opens doors with his paw. I wish I had played more with my dogs when I could throw a ball or toy.

Proverbs 17:17 ESV

A friend loves at all times,

 

I Stand

But Tracey, you cannot stand!!!

I cannot stand in the sense you know. But I stand in my heart, erect and straight with a spring in my step ready to greet you. I make it happen in my heart-life. GOD did not create us to take this life laying down. Just lay down and let the loss and the pain and the despair just roll right over me? I don’t think so!!! Just sit here and watch the joy explode in a puppy romping in leaves or ham and bean soup in the crock pot or pretty in pink baby picture pop up on my phone and receive it slumped over in a wheelchair? I don’t think so!!! Just shut down/shut out life because the very nature of it moving on without me hurts??? I don’t think so!!!

We Stand:

  • In Church
  • When the bride comes in
  • When the National Anthem is sung
  • For excellence/standing ovation
  • When a lady enters the room (I had a young man stand up so fast from my kitchen table, he knocked his chair over and his head hit my chandelier at the same time. Kinda took an immediate liking to him!)
  • To back up to a warm fire
  • To answer the door
  • To toast The New Year, Etc.

You won’t see me “stand,” but I’m going to ask you to use your imagination to see this heart posture in me.

I stand because life is a win in Christ for me.

To honor my Lord, I stand.

I stand to greet you because you are sheer delight to me.

On His Promises, I stand.

I felt like that you tube was made for me: Pops of yellow, upbeat with good, solid depth and the focal point of standing. I use to so enjoy walking into my toddler’s room, to find them standing in their crib, bouncing with endless energy. The mattress springs groaning with jumps of jubilant joy.

I buried my dear to me/second family/Uncle Billy today. The last thing his three children and I, like one of his own, “felt” like doing was standing up. Honesty, pain makes my flesh want to curl up in a fetal ball, and wail, “God, enough already???” (I’m really a trembling “Piglet” dressed like a bouncing “Tigger”) But there we, and many others stood to honor his life. As Father Blanchard said, “Life is bigger than death.” Therefore, we stood, on God’s Promises of Eternal Life, in our desperately loving grief, for his full, shared life.

May We Take This Life In Christ Standing Tall

Welcome Readers: Blessings this day

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P.S. Just an odd fact to note, my brain is a storehouse of memories. I can pull up the “physical sensation” of all movements in my head. How it felt to climb stairs, stir a pot, stand up, etc.

My Friend: Portion/Posture

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The best of the best of the best “counsel”

I’ve ever received might surprise you:

~My Friend/Mentor/Director Offered~

Not advice, but a listening heart

Not words, but soft eyes

Not knowledge, but open hands

Not busy, but a timeless posture

Not a large scope, but only me and mine

Not expectation, but patience

Not answers, but confidence in my revelations

Not lyrics, but a melody

Not judgement, but unconditional love

Not reserve, but spilling confidence in my future

Not motion, but stillness

Not blazing, but glowing warm

Not nickel and dime, but extravagant portion

Not polite gesture, but sheer delight in who I am

Not thoughts, but prayerful consideration

Not herself, but a clear reflection of God in me

Friendship is not so much a portion as a posture of true worth.

This friendship experience:

Healed places I did not know were broken
Changed my life forever.
Inspired me to work toward such offerings

Offer some reflections in your friendship corner of the world.

You may never know that you built His KINGDOM, just one heart offering at a time 🙂 GOD KNOWS!!!